Living with purpose.

A few years ago, my daughter was starting Kindergarten, and I was finally realizing my life's ambition. We were all embarking on a new life full of big dreams.

I have been in love with photography for years. When I married my husband in 2003, he said to me, you could totally be a wedding photographer. For a while I thought about it, but we didn't have the means to get me started in that venture. Flash forward a few (or 5) years. We finally had the finances to buy me a real camera.  After hiring my cousin to take photos of my daughter with her point and shoot camera, I was inspired.  Maybe I could do this photography thing. When I started photographing people, and places, I was hooked.  Its like a light shone over my head, that had never shined before.  Photography was my purpose.  Its the "thing" I was meant to do. For the first time in my life I felt confident and sure of myself.  When I had my camera in my hands I felt no fear.  After living with anxiety and social anxiety for years, this was a huge step for me.  I was doing things I had never dreamed of.   I actually created a business that was all mine, and it was running successfully.

Then things changed. My husbands had dreams of his own. Dreams he worked very hard for in his career, and through college. We had the chance at something huge happening for him, and our family.  So we decided to move.  We moved 9 hours away from my family, friends, and all my wonderful clients that I built up.  My heart was broken. I tried very hard to keep going back to Michigan to keep up with my clients.  I halfheartedly tried to get a new client base here in Virginia.  After running into several people who were using me for free sessions, or tips on how to start their own business.  I gave up trying.  To say I felt lost, is an understatement. I felt crushed, empty, alone, like a failure.

Here's the thing. Something else was coming. Something I never expected.  God was preparing me for a new life. That meant I had to let go of some of my old dreams.  Trust me, I fought this with everything I had. I was not going down like this.  I kept trying to force the photography thing, the way I had it back in Michigan.  Until I realized, I hated doing portraits.  I hated dealing with crooked clients. I hated shooting weddings.  I also, no longer had the time to deal with all that.

My sister and her daughters came to live with us. I acted as mom to them for 3 years. I went from one child, to 3 children and an adult to raise. Then I started to get sick. Borderline diabetic, high blood pressure, reproductive failures, surgeries.  Then a miracle, my son.  I never expected him after getting so sick, and being infertile for 8 years.

My son.  He takes up all my time, my energy and my patience.  God love him, he is my miracle.

My sister and nieces have since moved on, but I see now my purpose was not photographing people.  My purpose is living life, truly living it.  Taking care of my precious babies. Raising my daughter to be a strong independent woman. Making my son a great man one day.  And living, loving and seeing the world with my loving husband. Part of my gift is to share the beauty of the world with other people. I want people to look at my images and see the beauty the world holds, and make dreams of their own.  Dreams to travel, dreams to see the world, dreams to adventure.

I think the key to life is living with purpose.  Granted most days I don't know what the purpose of anything is. Every day I try to live in faith. Faith in a bigger plan, that I cant see just yet.  I try to live in love and compassion for others. Some days I am just trying to survive the day.  Most importantly I try to keep reminding myself, there is a purpose for everything. Everything that happens, is a step towards something else.  Life is a giant set of dominoes. One falling into another, falling into another, racing towards an ending we can't see. Heart break, disappointments, they are all a tool to get you to where you are supposed to be.  Call it God, or Fate, or Destiny, or even Karma.  Its all the same set of dominoes, called by a different name. No matter how hard you fight the inevitable, the ending will all be the same as it was planned out.

So I say, Live every day with purpose. Make goals and work to achieve them. Dream big, and believe your dreams can come true.  Have faith that things will work out, no matter how hard they get. And please Love One Another.