unexpected life, pregnancy through obesity

As of tomorrow I will be 30 weeks along in this pregnancy.  Or the last week of my 7th month. We have found out the gender of the baby, and picked out a name.  We are trying to put together a nursery for our little miracle.  This pregnancy has been so much different than my pregnancy with my daughter almost 9 years ago.  All the symptoms are different, my body is so very different than when I was 25.  But its so much more than that.  Knowing this is the last baby I will hold in my body, knowing this baby was a miracle.  It makes everything different.  I still cry tears of joy over this miracle.  I take joy in every single little kick or baby flutter.  I sit and rub my tummy and just tell him how in love with him I already am.  I look over the baby items we have for him, and just touch them and think about what my baby will look like.  And I thank God constantly for this gift.

Even though I am almost 8 months pregnant, and I gained 75 lbs with my first pregnancy, I have only gained 25 lbs with this baby.  I work every day to be healthy.  I do not want to gain back the whole 60 lbs I lost last year.  I do not want to struggle to keep my blood pressure managed, and I most definitely do not want to develop diabetes.  I work out 5-7 days a week.  I ride my recumbent exercycle, I lift small hand weights, and I walk.  I drink smoothies to make sure I am getting enough fruits and veggies in my diet, and I started a veggie garden in my back yard.  I cant wait to harvest!  So far all my efforts to stay healthy are going pretty good!  I still allow myself the occasional bowl of chips, or ice cream.  Most importantly though, is the happy face I see with both my regular OB and my High risk Dr.  My blood sugar has been tested twice through this pregnancy, and so far its looking fantastic.  My blood pressure has had a few minor issues, that I work very very hard to resolve.  I am learning my body does not like traveling in a car over long distances, and this effects my blood pressure greatly.  I am also learning my body LOVES working out, and reacts very positively.  Both drs are always suprised when I sit up from the table with no effort.  I keep telling them, I have been fatter than this, this weight is easy for me to carry.

The baby is getting big, and he does take up alot of room.  Some days i struggle with breath, because he is up so high in my tummy.  It makes it very very hard to walk on those days.  I find however than riding my bike on those days is much easier because he is not so heavy to carry on my bike.  What makes me so proud of myself is that, I have not given up.  I havent stopped trying to stay healthy.  I havent done like I have done in the past, and use any excuse to stop working out, and binge eat.  The down side of all this however, is that I am very very hard on myself.  I wish i didnt gain any weight.  I beat myself up when i have a hard time breathing.  And i know i do this, because i remember what it feels like to be so unhealthy, and I am so afraid i will let myself get that way again.

In other news, I have shut down my portrait photography business.  This choice came very easily to me.  Much easier than I thought it would.  My baby, My health are my number one priority.  My daughter, husband and nieces who rely on me are also a huge priority.  I cant focus my energy on all these things and still even try and manage a business.  I felt some guilt because I just got a new expensive camera before Christmas, and havent used it much.  But I also feel fantastic joy when i do use it, to capture family and life events.  I also take great joy in working with my first passion, nature.  And I take great comfort in knowing my husband always supports all my decision, and also has always been such a hard worker, and takes care of his family, so their is no financial burden by me closing Rivera Artistry.

I always count on God's timing for everything.  I rely on his plan, that is unknown to us, to push me in the right direction.  And I thank him daily for his many many blessings.  This month alone, not only do we celebrate the 8th month of this pregnancy, but my daughter turns 9, my husband graduates from his masters program, and my little sister marries her soul mate.  This unexpected life, is a miracle.

A perfect Miracle.

I just realized how long its been since I blogged.  Not long after my weight loss update in September, I had to have emergency surgery.  This part of my blog is somewhat personal, and you may not want to read on.

I had some serious tumors on both my ovaries.  They were so big and so heavy, that because of the strain from my workouts, it actually twisted my fallopian tube.  This was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life.  Morphin wouldn't touch the pain.  I spent 4 days in the hospital, trying to manage the pain.  I spent another week getting tests and preparing for my surgery.  In the process of all this, my left ovary died completely.  During surgery my entire left ovary and tube was removed, and the right side was so over run by the tumors, that they had to take MOST of my right ovary.  The doctor said I can expect menopause symptoms almost immediately, but they never came.  This was in September.

I will say now, that my husband and I have had a lot of issues with trying to conceive.  My oldest daughter (who is 8 now) came as quite a surprise after a miscarriage and years of trying.  We starting trying again not long after my daughter was born, to conceive again.  Years and years and years went by, another miscarriage, and no baby.  So when this surgery happened I gave up.  I knew in my heart the quest for another baby was over.  I mourned the baby I would never have.  I cried  month after month for 8 years.  I suffered mostly in silence feeling like a failure.  Wondering what was wrong with me, why was my body betraying me?  Why cant I do what other women have such an easy time doing.

I have no problem saying jealousy overran me, when someone I knew became pregnant.  Trying to fake happiness for someone, when inside you feel like your dying of heartbreak.  Infertility is a painful thing to live through.

A few weeks before Christmas, I realized I had only had one menstrual cycle since my surgery. I chalked it up to the loss of hormones, the loss of my ovaries, the menopause symptoms I was told to expect.  But I just felt unusual.  So I took a test, then another, then a few more.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing.  5 positives later, I decided to see my doctor.  His first words to me "God is good".  Having already experienced 2 miscarriages, the first ultrasounds are always so scary for me.  Waiting to hear that everything is ok, is so hard.  But when the tech turned on the volume and I heard the most wonderful sound, I burst into tears.  Holding my husbands hand, and hearing that beautiful fast thumping of the heart beating away.  I cant express the feelings I felt at that moment.  It was as if I had just witnessed a miracle.


This pregnancy is high risk for a few different reasons.  I still worry that it could all go away.  So for now, we are just taking it easy.  Every day I am making a full effort to be healthy and keep this baby healthy.  My life right now consists of me taking care of me, and my family.

If you have taken time to read through this whole post, thank you.  I also ask that if you pray, please say a prayer for me and this miracle inside of me.  If you don't pray, please have a nice thought for us, or send some positive energy this way.

A walk in the past.

Our city of Fredericksburg, has a very rich history.  Our residents hang on to our past, and celebrate it.  Its one of the things I love most about our city.  When we first moved here 2 1\2 years ago,  I fell in love with the history.    My husband has always loved history, and bored me to death with his documentaries.  I, however didn't enjoy history until I was able to touch it, feel it, see it, in person.

Our first Christmas in this city, we drove around looking for Christmas lights.  Its a tradition started by my parents when I was a child.  I noticed right away, that the area we lived in, didn't decorate too much.  It disappointed me greatly.  We drove around and around until we wound up downtown.  Driving down the main street, I saw the window shops decorated for the season.  We decided to take a little walk and look in all the windows.

Walking down Caroline street, is now a tradition in my family.  Every Christmas we will take our walk, and admire the dimly lit windows.  Walking through the chilly air, seeing the shops all decorated makes me feel closer to my dad.  He always had stories of walking around downtown Dearborn, Mi with the shops all decorated for Christmas.  Or walking down Woodward Ave, in Detroit.  It takes me to a time when that city was great, and shined for the world to see.  It makes me picture my dad as a child, and then as a teenager walking past the windows.  I hope one day he will make it out here during this holiday season to share this experience with us.

Anyway, this year we walked all 6 of us down the street.  The wind was chilly and whipped the leaves across the ground.  All was quiet, and most of the shops and restaurants were closed for the night.  In the distance we heard music playing.  A lone violinist.  He played the most beautiful melodies that carried across the wind.  Song after song, he drew me in.  I finally started to walk away and he began to play "somewhere over the rainbow"  My sister and I both stopped turned around and stared.  This is a song our grandma used to sing, many many years ago.  It always amazes me how quickly memories can come back to you, from a song, or a scent, or any other strange way.  A quick tear in my eye, then we took off again.

The windows were beautifully decorated, be it a salon, or antique shop, or local restaurant.  The girls had fun rushing along from window to window, trying to guess the riddles the city put up.

I love looking in all the windows.  It makes me feel like a little girl again.  It makes me think of a simpler time.  It makes me long for a history, I never knew.  I hope you all can find something that makes you this happy and filled with peace, during this Christmas season.

More images can be found Here at my google+ account, or Here at my facebook

today, I love myself

Today i felt like poop.  I wanted to go back to bed, after the girls got on the bus.  I wanted to lay down and sleep.  My body is sore from the workouts, the weights, and the household mommy duties.  Ya know what i did, i got my work out outfit on.  I didn't want to, but i did.  Then i went downstairs and stretched, and then did exercises using my resistant band.  I followed that with 40 full situps.  a quick 25 minute, but very effective workout.

Then i sat down and ate a small bowl of oatmeal.

The neighbor came over and asked if i wanted to go for a walk. so we walked..2.33 miles.

I ate a big giant bowl of mexican salad, with pinto beans, and grilled chicken. mm it was delish!

Then i became really tired again.  Thats ok though, I did alot.  Now im making dinner.  My husband wanted Taco salad, and even though I had something similar for lunch, i LOVE taco salad and couldnt resist.  IM HUNGRY!

Working out always makes me feel better, emotionally and physically.  I am a different person when I am working out regularly.  A happier person.  and I love myself.

A long past due update.

Its been a long summer.  Lots of changes.  Lots of stress.  Lots of trying to adjust.
First we bought a house.  The house is perfect for our needs, and its a huge upgrade from the rental we were living in.  The landlord let his house go, and refused to do proper maintenance which i guess is quite common out here.  Anyway, that whole situation has been a disaster.  But with moving, and dealing with him.. and having 3 house guests come to live with us.  There have been alot of changes and things to adjust to.  I guess because of this, is why I struggled with my weight loss program all summer.  Well that, and it was summer.  I spent too many days out doing stuff, living life, and grabbing food on the go.  Spent more time doing chores, and spending time with the kids, and not so much focusing on myself.  Because if this I gained a little weight.  Now mind you, in the past I would have packed on some serious poundage.  There is a reason I got up to 334 lbs.  And even though I cheated alot, and didnt work out as much.. I only gained 8 lbs all summer.  Most of that weight being gained in the last 3 weeks.  Birthday dinner, and cake, and anniversary meal, and just not watching anything I ate.  Well. I will take it as a short fall, in the huge game that I will be victorious in.

My dad who has been my biggest supporter in this (and who is a muscle man himself) said this "give yourself permission to take the summer as a break, dont beat yourself up about it.  but when school starts get back to business)  Great advice.  Its not giving myself permission to scarf down whatever I want, and not do anything.  It was permission to make mistakes and not beat myself up over it.  It was giving myself permission to say its ok that I messed up some.  Because in the past i would have said, well i already gained weight, i might as well just quit now.

August 2013  -55lbs

January 2013                                             April 2013

Ya know I started this journey 6 months ago.  At first I thought it was just a diet, temporary.  This has become my life.  This is who I am now.  I dont want chips all the time, I dont crave red meat every day.  I LOVE my veggies at every meal.  I CRAVE my workout time.  I feel SOOO GOOD when I work out.  And I have made huge successes in my life.  Alot of non scale victories (NSV) were achieved these past 6 months.  Yeah I messed up a little, but I have not quit, and I have not given up on myself.  Every day that i wake up, I try.


NON SCALE VICTORIES
   some of these things an average person takes for granted.  As an obese person, I revel in my small victories.  

I can touch my toes.
I can do full sit ups.
I can run up stairs (102 up and down yesterday)
I can bike 15 miles
I can sit with my legs crossed (this was huge for me, its been a very long time since I could cross my legs)
I can lift weights (had no upper body strength)
I can dance without being out of breath
My cholesterol, blood pressure, and sugar are all normal and healthy!
My heart no long keeps me up all night long with its irregular pounding
I hiked a pretty tough course and say a magnificent waterfall. (would have been impossible last year)

this is just to name a few.  HUGE accomplishments in my life.  Things that let me know I am on the right path.  I am stronger, I am healthier, I am happier, I am a better me!

life as we now know it

its been a crazy ride the past few months.  My life has changed in ways I never imagined they would.  I have officially lost 45 lbs, and still not done losing.  I feel so much better! So much healthier and happier!   I love working out, and I am really tasting food.  Its weird but when you eat to much fat and salt, your tastebuds almost seem to die off.  They are fully awakened now, and I love it!  I still have a long road ahead of me, as far as recovering goes.  My body has really been punished all these years, and I am suffering the consequences of that.  Knees, back, ankles, even my wrists ache.  But I know my body will recover from all this damage.  I have even been batting around the idea with my dad to train for a 5k marathon next year.  I just have to take baby steps to get there.  I asked him to run with me.  He used to run a lot, and did several marathons.  He is a little out of shape right now, but i know he can get back into running mode with me!

Aside from the health improvements, we also  bought a house!  It really is our dream home.  I sat on the front porch yesterday of our new home, and it just felt like i was at someone elses house.  Theres no way this beautiful house can be mine! Its not our first time as a homeowner, but its the first time I have ever, in my life, went in and painted, and really made the house MY STYLE.  I look back at where we came from, and where we ended up (with a lot of hard work and dedication), and I can hardly believe its all real.  Sometimes  I don't want to believe I deserve this amazing life, God has given me.  But I thank Him every night for it!  This little girl raised in a tiny 5 room house in the ghetto, never imagined living in a house like this.  Nor did i imagine living in a quiet peaceful neighborhood, where i feel safe with my daughter playing safely in the front yard.  I don't think my husband dreamt as big either.   Its been a fantastic journey with him, working together to make this life we have.  We started out with nothing.  one soup pot, one spoon, one pillow and blanket to share, and a computer.  Thats it!  We have come a very long way.

I think coming from the background we have had, makes us more appreciative of all the little things.  It makes all the hard work and hard times, worth it.  It makes you realize, you CAN have the life you dream of! Hard work, and never giving up, and your dreams WILL come true! 

First Goal

My weight has always been a huge struggle for me.  After moving to Virginia I really let myself go.  I wasnt working as often, my husband was working long hours and had a long commute, and I didnt know anyone here.  What was left for me?  I found my comfort in food.  Its always been my go to source of comfort.
I hate admitting how big I had let myself get.  and being as though we didnt have a scale in the house, i was in denial about how much weight I had gained.

for the past several years there has been a number I have strived to reach.  I have fought and fought, but whenever i got close to that goal weight, i sabotaged myself and gained it all back.  After a conversation wtih my dad, I was real with myself and saw what I was doing.  Since starting this journey 2 months ago, this number was my first goal.  the first finish line for me, so to speak.  I just needed to get under 300.

the number 300 has haunted me pretty much my whole life.  I was a chubby kid, and my dad hated that.  His famous phrase to me was "you keeping eating like that, your going to weight 300 lbs"  (my dad was not the amazing man he is today, not even close)  I guess being as stubborn as I am, i took that as a challenge.  Some where in my psyche i kept myself above 300 as a way of punishing myself.

I look in the mirror now, and still see a huge fat person.  but I also see the progress I had made.  I look and say "how did you let it get so far?"  How did i get so fat??  Alot of people dont even see a difference, because when I was in Michigan I was no where near as fat as I got here.

But on the bright side, im not going to beat myself up over it.  Im just gonna keep moving forward, keep improving, and keep fixing what i broke.
I see huge changes in my blood pressure (provided i can keep the stress out of my life), my body is stronger, and im able to do things, i couldnt do 3 months ago.  My heart is acting alot more normal, and not trying to quit on me, or pound out of my chest.  And I have dropped down 1 dress size, fit into old shorts, that fit me in Michigan.  and actually they are kinda baggy, considering i don't need to unbutton or unzip them to take them off.

My next goal is simple. I just want to lose 25 more lbs before I go to Michigan in June.  that would make me 249 lbs.  and I havent weighed that since before I got pregnant with my daughter, 8 years ago.

If you ever feel like you cant do something, or life is too hard.  Just remember this, you can fix anything in your life, YOU ARE IN CONTROL of your life!!!!  If i can do this, you can do whatever you set your heart to!