The hardest day of my life.

There are days that stick out in our memories, for all of our lives.  Certain events, either good or bad, that you will never forget.  That will be engraved in your memory for the rest of your life.  This is my account of the worse day of my life. The day my dad died.

The thing is, we were not always close.  I spent most of my childhood trying to prove myself to him, trying to make him love me.  I had no clue he already did love me, he just didn't know how to show it.   Without delving into my own childhood trauma, and bringing up even more pain, I will just say this.  As an adult, my dad and I formed a bond I never expected.  He became my best friend, my confidant, the dad I always wanted. 

My dad drove a semi for a living.  He would spend the day driving up north to make deliveries and once a week (sometimes more) he would call and we would talk while he drove.  Our conversations were about everything, life, relationships, money, sometimes even things a girl would never talk to her dad about.  The calls would sometimes last 3 hours, just talking about everything.  He would hit a dead zone up north and that would usually end our calls.  He usually knew when it was coming, and we would say our goodbyes before he hit it.  I remember one day in particular we were deep in conversation and he didn't realize he was about to hit the dead zone.  15 minutes later when he was back in range of a cell tower, he called me back.  He wanted to say goodbye and he loved me.  That was it. 

This past year my dad was pretty sick.  In fact he was way sicker than he let on.  He was getting moody, and I didn't understand a lot of things.  We started to drift apart.   We also had a lot of past issues boiling up, due to people and circumstances.  I didn't have a clue how sick he really was, or maybe I was just in denial about it. You see, when my mom died she had a lot of health issues, and a pretty severe addiction.  I saw her death coming.  In fact, its all she talked about for a long time.  I felt prepared for her death and in some ways relieved.  I didn't have to worry about her anymore.  My mom was my everything, for a long long time.  I took her death pretty bad, I still mourn her.  But this, this is totally different, this is way way harder.

I knew my dad was in the hospital, I knew he was being sedated so he could be on a ventilator.  I just somehow believed he would be ok.  I was sitting on the porch, when my stepmother called me and said I need to come home, dads not doing good .  I broke down crying, called my husband and told him to come home, and went into a frenzy trying to pack. 

Its a 9 hour drive back to Michigan. I cried a good part of the way there.  Sometime during the drive, I got a call saying they weren't sure he would make it through the night, and to go straight to the hospital when we got into town.    2 am.  My husband dropped me at the doors of the hospital and went to check himself and my kids into our hotel.

I hate hospitals, I hate doctors.  I get severe anxiety going into hospitals. But I knew I had to suck it up and do this.

It was dark, my dad lay in his bed, not looking himself at all.  He was swollen, and hairy, and his color was off.  He was hooked up to many many machines, monitors, and medications.  I held his hand.  It was cold, and swollen beyond recognition.  I sat and talked to him.  I confessed my love for him, and started talking about memories I had.  I started to talk to him, about when I was a little girl and I would lay on the couch by him, and how I would hold my pee for a long long time, because I was afraid If I got up, he would move and I couldn't cuddle with him anymore.  So I would lay there as long as I could, sometimes in pain from having to pee so bad, just so he would keep hanging out with me.  When I started that story, he opened his eyes, and tried to sit up.  Except it was his eyes.  It was so scary.  So i told him over and over and over again, Its ok dad, I am here.  Its ok dad, lay down.   Its ok dad I am here.  It wasnt until I stopped talking, that he actually calmed down.

I cant let go of these images. They play in my head over and over again. 

The following day, his last day on earth.  I went to the hospital after only 2 hours of sleep. I knew I would be there the whole day.  I had no idea, we would be talking about what steps to take next.  I didn't know I would be talking with his wife about how we should end his life, and when we should end his life. Everything about this scares me.  Picturing his suffering, imagining his struggling for breath.  It all became very real to me.  My Stepmom, My Stepsister, and I all discussed with the doctors what our next step was.  And while I knew the choice was ultimately hers, she wanted my opinion.  We all agreed we didn't want him to suffer, we didn't want him to struggle for breath. 

In my life, I never imagined having to make these decisions.  I never imagined holding someones hand, knowing they were dying.  Its not something I can even put into words.  The confusion, the helplessness, the worry, the utter pain of it all.  The worst part is telling someone you love with all your heart, its ok to let go, its ok to leave you, its ok to die.  When your heart and soul is crying and begging them not to leave you.  When  your soul is crying our to God, to please intervene, to please save him.  At the same time, you don't want them to stay around and suffer, just because you cant bare to live without them. 

We made the plans, we set the time, we planned his final moments.

Here we were, Myself, my step mom, my 2 step brothers and their wives, and my stepsister and her husband. Gathered around his bed.  My husband, sister and nieces sat in the hallway.  My baby sister at home, 41 weeks pregnant.  We all chose our place.  I sat and held his hand for a while.  I broke down a time or two.  My stepmother sang to him.  She sang for a long time, for his peace as well as her own.  She whispered to him many times, its ok to go woody.  Its ok to go home.  She asked him to find her Grandbaby who passed away at just 7 years old.  He layed there very still, very at peace.  He was still on a ventilator, but his heart was slowing.  The beauty I saw, in the love all these people had for my dad.  Its indescribable.  I left my chair and the room for a minute, becuase it was just too much to handle. My stepsister took my place.  She loved him as much as I did.  I came back in the room, stood behind my stepmom, and within minutes he was gone.  His heart just slowly stopped.

There was a peace in the way we sat with him.  There was a peace in the way his wife sang to him.  There was a peace, knowing he wasnt hurting anymore.

But there was so much pain leftover for us.  I sat and held his hand, after the machines were turned off.  I cried, or should I say, I sobbed.  I told him "I didnt want to let him go" I told him "I am so sorry"  I havent stopped crying since.

I have my moments of being ok, I have my moments of forgetting.  But I fall to complete pieces every day.  I have nightmares about not only him, but my mothers death.  I feel completely alone in my grieving and I dont know how to get through this. 

Total eclipse of my heart.. and the sun

Several weeks ago Smoky Mountain National park posted on their Facebook about the upcoming Solar Eclipse. I mentioned it to my hubby, cause he is kind of a nerd, and because I thought it was cool.  We have only visited Smoky Mtns once in our lives and that was this spring.  I fell in love with the park on day one. Its really beautiful. That was all it took, for my husband to start looking into solar glasses, lenses for my camera, and hotel rooms. I am so glad we found out about the eclipse weeks ago, because I had no clue how crazy people would get over this event.  I remember seeing an eclipse when I was in maybe the 4th grade.  We didn't have glasses, but the teacher let us look up through the windows at the sun.  Not a very bright idea, coming from a teacher.  It was nothing abnormal to me. Just looked like the sun without glasses on to protect my eyes.  So to me, this wasn't something I was super stoked about, unlike my husband.  

Our glasses arrived 2 weeks before the eclipse, we had a hotel room booked way in advance so there was no astronomical upcharge, and we were all set to go.  In fact he booked rooms in 2 locations TN and NC in case of bad weather! Now that is thinking ahead! The closer the day came, we realized NC was calling for rain and clouds, and TN had perfect weather on the horizon. So we cancelled NC, and started the trek to Smoky Mountain National park.  Its a short 8 hour drive for us. 

Once we were checked into our hotel, we started scoping out locations inside the park to sit and watch the eclipse.  We used Satellite imagery to look at the parks roads and fields.  We already considered Cades Cove, because its a huge open area, and there are a few side roads that run across the fields.  I had a bit of anxiety about the crowds that were expected.  Hubby reassured me it would be fine and he started talking about a side road that has little pull offs.  He was very excited, and I knew I had to just let him plan this.  I didn't want to ruin the experience for him at all.  The location he picked was absolutely perfect.  I knew letting him run with his own plans was a good idea.

We parked in a little pull off with 2 other cars as our neighbors.  We were surrounded by mountains, and fields and wildflowers and butterflies. We arrived early in the park, just to ensure we found a place to set up.  Most people went to select locations the parks set up, and our little dirt road was almost empty.  There were maybe 25 cars on our road.  It was almost like we had the place to ourselves.  The really great part was, we learned of a secret road that exits the park, that was right by where we were parked.  Its not a park road, just a one way dirt road that goes up and over the mountain and out of the park.  So when the event was over, we went up and out of the park with no traffic to contend with. (until we hit the freeway later in the day) 

We had time to blow, so we walked up and down our dirt road and saw what we could see.  Little man collected rocks as we walked up and down the road.  We spent a lot of time in the AC cooled van, because it was 90° outside.  We let the kids play on their tablets, and sang along to the radio.  The 5 hours seemed to go by a lot quicker than I thought they would.  It was nice just sitting there and doing a little car camping. The beautiful views really helped pass the time too. 

Luckily I had an awesome filter on my camera, thanks to my husband. I honestly wasn't going to take my camera.  I wanted to fully enjoy the eclipse.  I am glad he insisted.  I think he wanted the have the memory to keep, as well as I did. I set up my tripod, remote, and camera in our field and snapped about 15 minutes or so.  I read a few articles on shooting an eclipse before hand, and practiced shooting the sun with the filter on.  I am so glad I did.  I set my camera and just walked over and clicked the remote a few times and went about enjoying the day.  Once totality started I went click crazy though. I didn't want to miss a second.  I took about 700 photos during the day yesterday. Glad I had it set just right though.  While I was clicking the remote, my eyes were staring up at the sun, not my camera.  I am so grateful for that remote! I got to both capture and fully enjoy the moment at the same time. 

from 11:11 am to 2:56 pm

When I was able to take off my glasses during totality, I was completely awe struck. Its like heaven and the angels were singing.  Its something I cant quite describe in words.  It brought tears to my eyes.  I have never seen anything so beautiful and amazing.  

10 seconds before totality.

We had 2 full minutes of totality.  It gave enough time to listen to some advice we heard on the radio in TN. The host said take a look around you at the horizon at totality, you will see 360° sunset.  It was so beautiful.  Everything had the glow you get at dusk, as if the sun was setting all around you.  

When the sun started to show itself again, we hopped in the car to avoid the crowds. The sun was so weird.  At the onset of the eclipse, everything was getting darker, and had a sunset glow about it. It was quite beautiful.  However when the sun peeked through again, it was a totally different effect.  It was like someone turned on high powered spotlights, or fluorescent lights. When going under the tree cover it looked like helicopter spotlights at night shining through the trees.  The animals in the park were even confused.  As we entered onto our mountain road out of the park, we saw a mother bear and her two teeny tiny cubs, scurrying to get somewhere to hide. They were so quick to cross the road, I didn't even have time to lift my camera and take a photo. 

On our drive home last night, even though it was long and tedious. I  told my husband, I am so glad you made us do this.  I am so glad you thought way ahead of time to get us prepared for this event.  I told him it was something I will never forget.  We talked about it for a good many hours last night as we made the trek back home. Its something I hope my kids remember for a  long time too. 

The mental struggle of dieting.

Our bodies are wonderful things.  We can abuse them with food, and laziness, and can recover from it with a little hard work.  Our bodies have this amazing ability to recover, and heal itself. There is a quote that is in the movie "Here comes the boom" that actually rings very true with this subject.  In the movie Kevin James talks about stagnant cells, and how when one cells starts to die, the other cells take suit and follow and they start to die off.  But when one cell tries to regenerate, or heal itself, the other cells will follow suit.  When you abuse your body, with food, or whatever, the cells start to die, and more die, and illness and disease set in.  If you let if continue, and you keep on abusing your body, the death will continue.  But here is the miraculous part, the body can also reverse damage. If you take initiative and make changes and try to heal yourself, your body will take suit and follow.  It just takes one cell, then another, and you can restore what you have destroyed.

The physical part has always been easier than the mental aspect.  I sabotage myself.  I cant get out of my own head and I give up.  Its a struggle to constantly fight yourself.  After all food has always been there for me.  It has always given me comfort.  My mom used food as both a reward and a bribe.  So what do I do? I reward myself with food, like a dog.  My father was my worse critic, he hated my weight.  He would criticize me in the worse ways. His voice is stronger than my own, it always has been.  So the voice in my head, is very critical.  These are the mental hurdles I am trying to climb right now.  I have immense amounts of self doubt, and self criticism. The other day, I tried on my workout outfit.  The very first one I bought 4 years ago, when I really started this journey towards weight loss. Before the surgeries, and pregnancy.  Before I let other people take over my life, my home, and my sanity. The last few years have been tough.  I punished myself for not handling everything better, by binge eating.  That outfit that used to fit, that is worn out and stretched out, IS TIGHT.  So tight I fought to put it on.  I cried. I felt sorry for myself.  I went into a downward spiral of self hatred. I told myself GIVE UP ITS TOO HARD.  I told myself "your suffering for nothing, you will never lose that much weight again" I told myself "i am fat, and gross, go eat it will make you feel better" Ya know what I did? I stuck to my diet, I worked out every single night.  I hated the machines, I hated my body, and I punished the machines instead of myself.  I punished my body, with hard workouts, that lifted my mood.  I started to turn myself back around.  But I fight my brain, my moods, all the thoughts inside my head that are negative.  That is the hardest part of this all.

Last night I was up until 3:30 am watching my 600 lb life.  I felt so sorry for those people.  Even though I am no where near 600 lbs, I related so much to what they were going through.  The mental part of this is so hard. Overcoming the damage other people did to you.  Overcoming what you did to yourself.  Learning to LOVE YOURSELF enough to repair all that damage you have done.  Loving yourself enough to say NO to the drug that once fed your addiction... food. Loving yourself enough to get on a machine that feels like its trying to kill you, because you know it will make you feel better in the long run.

I struggle every single day with just being good to myself.  I want to eat chips, and fast food, and salt.  Some times the cravings get so bad, I turn into super bitch.  Then I go in the kitchen and fix myself something healthy to try and calm down the bitchiness. I try to keep my body fed and full, so that I don't feel like I am starving myself to death. So I eat several small meals and snacks throughout the day.  I workout 7 days a week, because I know if I skip a day, that can turn into skipping 2 days, then 3 then 4, then altogether quitting.  I know all my triggers, and I try to avoid them.  I know what foods to avoid, what people to avoid, and I know how to stop the mindless eating.  I just dont know how to love myself enough.   Not yet.  I dont know how not to beat myself up for slipping.  I dont know how to love myself even though clothes dont fit.  I dont know how to not beat myself up over slipping up once in a while.  I am a huge work in progress.

living healthy, growing my own food.

So as you may have seen in past blogs, I am trying to live a healthy lifestyle.  I admit, I fell HARD off the bandwagon. I gained weight, and my health began to once again decline.  I blame stress mostly for this mishap. I allowed stress to take over my life, and I slipped.

My little piece of farmland. 

My husband built me, my own little piece of paradise in the backyard.  It has 2 large beds, a smaller bed, and now an herb box. It also has a planting table, a pretty pink bench, and room to built a few more raised beds.  This year I planted a good variety of fruit and veggies all from seed. I am so happy with our harvest already. We have 5 tomato plants, different varieties, Pickle sized cucumbers, spinach, watermelon, cauliflower, butternut squash, zucchini, carrots, green beans, basil, cilantro and sage. There is a great thrill in harvesting and cooking food you grew! I cant tell you how excited I get.  The carrots are one of my faves. I pick them, wash them and eat them almost immediately.  Who knew carrots tasted so good? They taste so much better than store bought. I have put my carrots and green beans in homemade soup, stir fry, and just eaten them fresh.  Today I picked the spinach and after cleaning it, we cooked it down.  It was so delicious. Recipe will follow.  Although I have to admit I was nervous eating the spinach.  Its a new variety of spinach, and it looks and feels almost rubbery. And picking it, there were bugs, and dirt.  I asked for help picking it, and my daughter and husband were squeamish too.  I said, ALL spinach is grown in the dirt, with bugs! Of course I cleaned it thoroughly.  Its a weird adjustment to grow your own food.  We get so used to buying it in the store.  Although now days, thats not any safer.  How many times have you seen the news report bad spinach and greens, with salmonella? Far too often!  I know my spinach is completely organic, not chemicals, just fresh dirt, with no animal interference. I know how it was washed, and where it touched.  I am incredibly proud of myself for being able to grow food, that I have never even seen grown before.  Of course its all a learning process, because I grew up in the ghetto. Although, my mom and grandpa did in fact grow limited veggies. So I do have some exposure.

Spinach recipe

Big fat bowl of fresh spinach leaves.  I am going to say at least 3 lbs. (wash thoroughly)
one jalapeno sliced open, but left whole
lemon juice (half lemon or 2 tbsp)
a good heavy pinch of kosher salt
1 tsp chipotle powder (gives a smokey flavor without using a hamhock)
put everything in a pot, cook over low-med heat for about half an hour. when all the liquid is about gone, add a splash of chicken stock.

This recipe is really great for you
 Low in fat and even lower in cholesterol, spinach is high in niacin and zinc, as well as protein, fiber, vitamins A, C, E and K, thiamin, vitamin B6, folate, calcium, iron, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium, copper, and manganese. (info taken from http://foodfacts.mercola.com/spinach.html )

If you make it this way, its flavorful and low in fat, and calories.  Because we added all the flavor without adding the traditional hamhock or fatback. 

I will try to include more recipes in future posts.  

Just 2 weeks

Just 2 short weeks of including more of my veggies, and eating less processed food has made a huge difference.  I already dropped one pant size. I have a pair of shorts, that I grew out of  months ago.  These shorts sit in my drawer and torture me.  Yesterday, I tried them on and they fit.  They fit me really good, and even a little baggie in the legs. 2 weeks of just changing my food intake, nothing else.  amazing isnt it?

Living with purpose.

A few years ago, my daughter was starting Kindergarten, and I was finally realizing my life's ambition. We were all embarking on a new life full of big dreams.

I have been in love with photography for years. When I married my husband in 2003, he said to me, you could totally be a wedding photographer. For a while I thought about it, but we didn't have the means to get me started in that venture. Flash forward a few (or 5) years. We finally had the finances to buy me a real camera.  After hiring my cousin to take photos of my daughter with her point and shoot camera, I was inspired.  Maybe I could do this photography thing. When I started photographing people, and places, I was hooked.  Its like a light shone over my head, that had never shined before.  Photography was my purpose.  Its the "thing" I was meant to do. For the first time in my life I felt confident and sure of myself.  When I had my camera in my hands I felt no fear.  After living with anxiety and social anxiety for years, this was a huge step for me.  I was doing things I had never dreamed of.   I actually created a business that was all mine, and it was running successfully.

Then things changed. My husbands had dreams of his own. Dreams he worked very hard for in his career, and through college. We had the chance at something huge happening for him, and our family.  So we decided to move.  We moved 9 hours away from my family, friends, and all my wonderful clients that I built up.  My heart was broken. I tried very hard to keep going back to Michigan to keep up with my clients.  I halfheartedly tried to get a new client base here in Virginia.  After running into several people who were using me for free sessions, or tips on how to start their own business.  I gave up trying.  To say I felt lost, is an understatement. I felt crushed, empty, alone, like a failure.

Here's the thing. Something else was coming. Something I never expected.  God was preparing me for a new life. That meant I had to let go of some of my old dreams.  Trust me, I fought this with everything I had. I was not going down like this.  I kept trying to force the photography thing, the way I had it back in Michigan.  Until I realized, I hated doing portraits.  I hated dealing with crooked clients. I hated shooting weddings.  I also, no longer had the time to deal with all that.

My sister and her daughters came to live with us. I acted as mom to them for 3 years. I went from one child, to 3 children and an adult to raise. Then I started to get sick. Borderline diabetic, high blood pressure, reproductive failures, surgeries.  Then a miracle, my son.  I never expected him after getting so sick, and being infertile for 8 years.

My son.  He takes up all my time, my energy and my patience.  God love him, he is my miracle.

My sister and nieces have since moved on, but I see now my purpose was not photographing people.  My purpose is living life, truly living it.  Taking care of my precious babies. Raising my daughter to be a strong independent woman. Making my son a great man one day.  And living, loving and seeing the world with my loving husband. Part of my gift is to share the beauty of the world with other people. I want people to look at my images and see the beauty the world holds, and make dreams of their own.  Dreams to travel, dreams to see the world, dreams to adventure.

I think the key to life is living with purpose.  Granted most days I don't know what the purpose of anything is. Every day I try to live in faith. Faith in a bigger plan, that I cant see just yet.  I try to live in love and compassion for others. Some days I am just trying to survive the day.  Most importantly I try to keep reminding myself, there is a purpose for everything. Everything that happens, is a step towards something else.  Life is a giant set of dominoes. One falling into another, falling into another, racing towards an ending we can't see. Heart break, disappointments, they are all a tool to get you to where you are supposed to be.  Call it God, or Fate, or Destiny, or even Karma.  Its all the same set of dominoes, called by a different name. No matter how hard you fight the inevitable, the ending will all be the same as it was planned out.

So I say, Live every day with purpose. Make goals and work to achieve them. Dream big, and believe your dreams can come true.  Have faith that things will work out, no matter how hard they get. And please Love One Another.

How to road trip like a BOSS

My husband is from Southern California. I am from Southeast Michigan. We live in Virginia.  We literally have family spread all across this country, and the only way to see them is to travel to them.

Road trip summer 2016

We have always enjoyed travelling together, ever since our first trip from Michigan to California via the Greyhound bus. Now a days we do our travelling mostly via our own personal car. Through the years we have realized some things just don't work for us. Like driving straight through to anywhere.  We have to plan stops, and places to get out and explore. Otherwise I think we all get overtired and cranky.

open road

Tip #1: Set a time limit. If you cant stand being in the car longer than 4 hours, then make it a point to preplan a stop someplace every 4 hours.  Whether it be to just get out and stretch your legs for 15 minutes at a rest stop.

rest stop in Arkansas

Tip #2: Decide how long you will drive total each day.  Driving coast to coast is a several day drive, no matter how you plan the trip.  We set limits to staying in the car no longer than 12 hours every day, total.  Which usually means 10 hours of driving time, and 2 hours worth of breaks, to eat, for rest stops, and for and adventure.

Foamhenge

During our trip last summer we planned one roadside attraction every day. Usually we would stop halfway through the day and spend an hour just exploring, and seeing new things.  In Virginia we visited Foamhenge. In Tennessee we stopped and saw The Statue of Liberation. Oklahoma we stopped at Pops 66 Soda Ranch and had lunch. Of course we couldn't leave without buying a few cases of unusual soda. Texas, we saw the inspiration for Ramones Auto body shop in Disney's Cars movie.  The building is an old Conoco gas station, but now serves as Shamrocks Chamber of Commerce. We also stopped at the Cadillac Ranch and left our mark on Amarillo.

Tip #3 bring healthy snacks, and a few non-healthy ones too.  After being in the car for 4 days, there is nothing I crave more than REAL FOOD. Especially the way we used to travel. We would bring chips and soda and crackers and junkfood.  You need to bring a cooler with some nutrition.  If your anything like me, car rides make me swell up like a balloon.  Its painful and can be dangerous.  Make sure you keep your cooler filled with fresh veggies, and hummus, or bread and fillings for sandwiches.  It saves you a ton of money, by not stopping at fast food joints.  It also makes the trip more enjoyable. I am not saying not to bring chips, but make sure you get some good food in there too.  It will make everyone happier. My favorites are cheese, and crackers, carrots and hummus, or premade sandwich wraps or burritos.

Tip #4 bring things for your kids to do.  Music, tablets, coloring books and crayons, blank paper so they can play games like tic tac toe. My daughter likes to bring a journal so she can draw, and so she can log all the fun stuff we did along the way, or meals she really enjoyed. What can i say shes a foodie. They are not going to look out the window and enjoy the scenery the same way you will. So let them keep themselves busy any way they can.  But please limit their phone use.  We brought our nieces on a trip to Smoky mountains this year, and I took her phone away completely.  She has a habit of nonstop texting. While I appreciate that she loves her friends (shes 13) this really is a time for family togetherness.  And if they always have their minds on whats going on back home, they arent really truly bonding with you.  And they aren't creating memories of grand adventures, because their minds are back home.

Tip #4  Take time to visit some natural wonders.  We made a plan to visit some of our nations National Parks.  We bought the annual pass, to save a little money.  We knew we would be visiting several parks, and some of the fees are pretty high. For example the fee for the Grand Canyon is $25 a day. So we figured if we spend $80 on the year pass, we can visit as many of the parks as we want over the next year. The pass has already paid for itself. During this trip we visted Grand Canyon in Arizon, Painted Desert and Petrified Forest, Arizona, Sequoia and Kings in California, and Seguaro in New Mexico. It was like traveling to completely different distant lands, and some times it felt like we were on another planet altogether. Spending time in nature is a priceless experience.  Its good for the soul, and the brain.  There is so much you can learn by visiting our National Parks.  Your kids, and you, will learn things they don't teach in school.  And I can tell you, there is no experiance that compares to touching a giant Sequoia tree, or getting poked by a Saguaro Cactus, that only grow in a very small area in the Sonoran Desert.

The Grand Canyon

Painted Desert

Seguaro National Park

The best tip I can give you to road trip like a boss is this, Sit back and enjoy the adventure.  Stop the rushing to get to your destination. Enjoy the sites, enjoy your family, soak it all in.

Sequoia and Kings National park

Mothers day

To start off I will say, Mothers day is both the most joyous holiday for me, and the saddest.  Being a mom, is the greatest gift that God, and my husband has ever given me. Mothers day means more to me than my own birthday.  However, anyone that has had a mom who is no longer with them on Mothers day, also understand how sad that can be.  I miss my mom all year long, but Easter and Mothers day I miss her the most.  My mother was an extraordinary woman, that has left a hole, that nothing could ever fill. However, I know my mom would not want me to focus on that at all.  She would want me to be celebrated for the Mom that I am.  So thats what we are going to focus on today.

me and my mom

My husband is usually really good at spoiling me.  Probably too good at it in fact.  He would spend every penny he had to make me feel special. This year, our washing machine blew up. Not literally, but whatever happened, it left black powdery scorch marks on my floor.  So we will say it blew up. While I have a beautiful new washer, we were left broke as a joke. I will admit I really felt sorry for myself for a minute there.  I felt like I didn't even want to celebrate Mothers day. Its been a rough week. 

I told my daughter to just sit down and make me cards with her brother, and that would be fine.  I love homemade gifts from my kids.  That wasnt good enough for her.  So I gave her my credit card and said $20 max, but I would prefer you spend closer to $10.  Her daddy took her to the mall, and they did there best to find me a gift I could open.  I requested Lil man to buy mommy some chocolate and I told him I would share it with him. 

 

On Sunday morning, I woke up to a lot of noise downstairs.  My husband and Daughter were putzing around.  So I closed my bedroom door, and stayed in bed until the noise died down. When I came downstairs I was immediately handed tissue wrapped gifts.  Lil man got mommy some chocolate truffles, and as soon as we opened them, he took one and popped it in his cute little mouth. Then he proceeded to throw a fit because I wouldn't let him eat the rest of them (hes 2 ).  lol  My Daughter bought me a really pretty necklace that say OHANA.  My favorite movie is Lilo and Stitch. And a POP figure of baby Moana, my 2nd fave Disney movie. I was really touched by her thoughtful gifts.  

My husband brought me a bouquet of handpicked flowers.  He went scavenging through my garden and picked me a bouquet. He said he wanted to pick some of my lilies too, but they looked too perfect and he didn't want to mess them up. This is the first time anyone has ever picked me a bouquet, besides my kids and nieces. It was a beautiful sentiment. Especially since my garden means so much to me. He also planned a beautiful picnic at one of our favorite places.  Its owned my the national park service. Its an old battlefield site.  Its absolutely breathtaking.  We sat under a tree with a soft breeze blowing by, and crystal blue skies, and rolling hills in the distance. He packed sandwiches and potato chips, and water for everyone.  We sat on a blanket and watched our kids play in the grass.  It was a picture perfect day.  

What really made our day even more special was my husband taking my camera and doing a photo session of me and my babies. I do not step in front of the camera very often.  I have huge body image issues. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable in front of the camera.  Most times, I also hate the way the pictures turn out, because I am not in total control.  I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my art, and I am very very critical of my own work, let alone giving control over to someone else to do it.  So just getting dressed, and getting the kids ready, was kind of nerve wracking.  

Most photographers say, "do this for your kids, they will want the memories one day" I have to say this was entirely selfish on my part.  I wanted pictures so that I could remember these days.  You blink and life has flown by.  In what feels like no time at all, your kids are all grown.  It feels like yesterday my almost 12 year old was in my arms, looking at me adoringly, touching my face with her cute little hands.  Time goes by too quickly.  So this session was entirely for me. Before my baby girl gets too grown, while she still crawls into bed and rests her head on my stomach, and watches TV.  While she still lets me run my fingers through her hair. Those times are fleeting and they are happening less and less.  Shes growing up. 

 Or while my lil man still wants to be held and cuddled, while he still follows me from room to room like a little shadow. I want to remember these days forever. 

Granted had the washer not blown, a lot of things this mothers day would have been different.  I am glad it went the way it did.  My husband had to get not only creative, but he really was thoughtful in his gifts for me.  A picnic, a photo session, and a hand picked bouquet, meant more to me, than if he had spend a million dollars on a gift.  Even my daughter really thought out my gift.  And I will have these memories forever.  It was a truly memorable amazing Mothers Day.