Total eclipse of my heart.. and the sun

Several weeks ago Smoky Mountain National park posted on their Facebook about the upcoming Solar Eclipse. I mentioned it to my hubby, cause he is kind of a nerd, and because I thought it was cool.  We have only visited Smoky Mtns once in our lives and that was this spring.  I fell in love with the park on day one. Its really beautiful. That was all it took, for my husband to start looking into solar glasses, lenses for my camera, and hotel rooms. I am so glad we found out about the eclipse weeks ago, because I had no clue how crazy people would get over this event.  I remember seeing an eclipse when I was in maybe the 4th grade.  We didn't have glasses, but the teacher let us look up through the windows at the sun.  Not a very bright idea, coming from a teacher.  It was nothing abnormal to me. Just looked like the sun without glasses on to protect my eyes.  So to me, this wasn't something I was super stoked about, unlike my husband.  

Our glasses arrived 2 weeks before the eclipse, we had a hotel room booked way in advance so there was no astronomical upcharge, and we were all set to go.  In fact he booked rooms in 2 locations TN and NC in case of bad weather! Now that is thinking ahead! The closer the day came, we realized NC was calling for rain and clouds, and TN had perfect weather on the horizon. So we cancelled NC, and started the trek to Smoky Mountain National park.  Its a short 8 hour drive for us. 

Once we were checked into our hotel, we started scoping out locations inside the park to sit and watch the eclipse.  We used Satellite imagery to look at the parks roads and fields.  We already considered Cades Cove, because its a huge open area, and there are a few side roads that run across the fields.  I had a bit of anxiety about the crowds that were expected.  Hubby reassured me it would be fine and he started talking about a side road that has little pull offs.  He was very excited, and I knew I had to just let him plan this.  I didn't want to ruin the experience for him at all.  The location he picked was absolutely perfect.  I knew letting him run with his own plans was a good idea.

We parked in a little pull off with 2 other cars as our neighbors.  We were surrounded by mountains, and fields and wildflowers and butterflies. We arrived early in the park, just to ensure we found a place to set up.  Most people went to select locations the parks set up, and our little dirt road was almost empty.  There were maybe 25 cars on our road.  It was almost like we had the place to ourselves.  The really great part was, we learned of a secret road that exits the park, that was right by where we were parked.  Its not a park road, just a one way dirt road that goes up and over the mountain and out of the park.  So when the event was over, we went up and out of the park with no traffic to contend with. (until we hit the freeway later in the day) 

We had time to blow, so we walked up and down our dirt road and saw what we could see.  Little man collected rocks as we walked up and down the road.  We spent a lot of time in the AC cooled van, because it was 90° outside.  We let the kids play on their tablets, and sang along to the radio.  The 5 hours seemed to go by a lot quicker than I thought they would.  It was nice just sitting there and doing a little car camping. The beautiful views really helped pass the time too. 

Luckily I had an awesome filter on my camera, thanks to my husband. I honestly wasn't going to take my camera.  I wanted to fully enjoy the eclipse.  I am glad he insisted.  I think he wanted the have the memory to keep, as well as I did. I set up my tripod, remote, and camera in our field and snapped about 15 minutes or so.  I read a few articles on shooting an eclipse before hand, and practiced shooting the sun with the filter on.  I am so glad I did.  I set my camera and just walked over and clicked the remote a few times and went about enjoying the day.  Once totality started I went click crazy though. I didn't want to miss a second.  I took about 700 photos during the day yesterday. Glad I had it set just right though.  While I was clicking the remote, my eyes were staring up at the sun, not my camera.  I am so grateful for that remote! I got to both capture and fully enjoy the moment at the same time. 

from 11:11 am to 2:56 pm

When I was able to take off my glasses during totality, I was completely awe struck. Its like heaven and the angels were singing.  Its something I cant quite describe in words.  It brought tears to my eyes.  I have never seen anything so beautiful and amazing.  

10 seconds before totality.

We had 2 full minutes of totality.  It gave enough time to listen to some advice we heard on the radio in TN. The host said take a look around you at the horizon at totality, you will see 360° sunset.  It was so beautiful.  Everything had the glow you get at dusk, as if the sun was setting all around you.  

When the sun started to show itself again, we hopped in the car to avoid the crowds. The sun was so weird.  At the onset of the eclipse, everything was getting darker, and had a sunset glow about it. It was quite beautiful.  However when the sun peeked through again, it was a totally different effect.  It was like someone turned on high powered spotlights, or fluorescent lights. When going under the tree cover it looked like helicopter spotlights at night shining through the trees.  The animals in the park were even confused.  As we entered onto our mountain road out of the park, we saw a mother bear and her two teeny tiny cubs, scurrying to get somewhere to hide. They were so quick to cross the road, I didn't even have time to lift my camera and take a photo. 

On our drive home last night, even though it was long and tedious. I  told my husband, I am so glad you made us do this.  I am so glad you thought way ahead of time to get us prepared for this event.  I told him it was something I will never forget.  We talked about it for a good many hours last night as we made the trek back home. Its something I hope my kids remember for a  long time too. 

The mental struggle of dieting.

Our bodies are wonderful things.  We can abuse them with food, and laziness, and can recover from it with a little hard work.  Our bodies have this amazing ability to recover, and heal itself. There is a quote that is in the movie "Here comes the boom" that actually rings very true with this subject.  In the movie Kevin James talks about stagnant cells, and how when one cells starts to die, the other cells take suit and follow and they start to die off.  But when one cell tries to regenerate, or heal itself, the other cells will follow suit.  When you abuse your body, with food, or whatever, the cells start to die, and more die, and illness and disease set in.  If you let if continue, and you keep on abusing your body, the death will continue.  But here is the miraculous part, the body can also reverse damage. If you take initiative and make changes and try to heal yourself, your body will take suit and follow.  It just takes one cell, then another, and you can restore what you have destroyed.

The physical part has always been easier than the mental aspect.  I sabotage myself.  I cant get out of my own head and I give up.  Its a struggle to constantly fight yourself.  After all food has always been there for me.  It has always given me comfort.  My mom used food as both a reward and a bribe.  So what do I do? I reward myself with food, like a dog.  My father was my worse critic, he hated my weight.  He would criticize me in the worse ways. His voice is stronger than my own, it always has been.  So the voice in my head, is very critical.  These are the mental hurdles I am trying to climb right now.  I have immense amounts of self doubt, and self criticism. The other day, I tried on my workout outfit.  The very first one I bought 4 years ago, when I really started this journey towards weight loss. Before the surgeries, and pregnancy.  Before I let other people take over my life, my home, and my sanity. The last few years have been tough.  I punished myself for not handling everything better, by binge eating.  That outfit that used to fit, that is worn out and stretched out, IS TIGHT.  So tight I fought to put it on.  I cried. I felt sorry for myself.  I went into a downward spiral of self hatred. I told myself GIVE UP ITS TOO HARD.  I told myself "your suffering for nothing, you will never lose that much weight again" I told myself "i am fat, and gross, go eat it will make you feel better" Ya know what I did? I stuck to my diet, I worked out every single night.  I hated the machines, I hated my body, and I punished the machines instead of myself.  I punished my body, with hard workouts, that lifted my mood.  I started to turn myself back around.  But I fight my brain, my moods, all the thoughts inside my head that are negative.  That is the hardest part of this all.

Last night I was up until 3:30 am watching my 600 lb life.  I felt so sorry for those people.  Even though I am no where near 600 lbs, I related so much to what they were going through.  The mental part of this is so hard. Overcoming the damage other people did to you.  Overcoming what you did to yourself.  Learning to LOVE YOURSELF enough to repair all that damage you have done.  Loving yourself enough to say NO to the drug that once fed your addiction... food. Loving yourself enough to get on a machine that feels like its trying to kill you, because you know it will make you feel better in the long run.

I struggle every single day with just being good to myself.  I want to eat chips, and fast food, and salt.  Some times the cravings get so bad, I turn into super bitch.  Then I go in the kitchen and fix myself something healthy to try and calm down the bitchiness. I try to keep my body fed and full, so that I don't feel like I am starving myself to death. So I eat several small meals and snacks throughout the day.  I workout 7 days a week, because I know if I skip a day, that can turn into skipping 2 days, then 3 then 4, then altogether quitting.  I know all my triggers, and I try to avoid them.  I know what foods to avoid, what people to avoid, and I know how to stop the mindless eating.  I just dont know how to love myself enough.   Not yet.  I dont know how not to beat myself up for slipping.  I dont know how to love myself even though clothes dont fit.  I dont know how to not beat myself up over slipping up once in a while.  I am a huge work in progress.

living healthy, growing my own food.

So as you may have seen in past blogs, I am trying to live a healthy lifestyle.  I admit, I fell HARD off the bandwagon. I gained weight, and my health began to once again decline.  I blame stress mostly for this mishap. I allowed stress to take over my life, and I slipped.

My little piece of farmland. 

My husband built me, my own little piece of paradise in the backyard.  It has 2 large beds, a smaller bed, and now an herb box. It also has a planting table, a pretty pink bench, and room to built a few more raised beds.  This year I planted a good variety of fruit and veggies all from seed. I am so happy with our harvest already. We have 5 tomato plants, different varieties, Pickle sized cucumbers, spinach, watermelon, cauliflower, butternut squash, zucchini, carrots, green beans, basil, cilantro and sage. There is a great thrill in harvesting and cooking food you grew! I cant tell you how excited I get.  The carrots are one of my faves. I pick them, wash them and eat them almost immediately.  Who knew carrots tasted so good? They taste so much better than store bought. I have put my carrots and green beans in homemade soup, stir fry, and just eaten them fresh.  Today I picked the spinach and after cleaning it, we cooked it down.  It was so delicious. Recipe will follow.  Although I have to admit I was nervous eating the spinach.  Its a new variety of spinach, and it looks and feels almost rubbery. And picking it, there were bugs, and dirt.  I asked for help picking it, and my daughter and husband were squeamish too.  I said, ALL spinach is grown in the dirt, with bugs! Of course I cleaned it thoroughly.  Its a weird adjustment to grow your own food.  We get so used to buying it in the store.  Although now days, thats not any safer.  How many times have you seen the news report bad spinach and greens, with salmonella? Far too often!  I know my spinach is completely organic, not chemicals, just fresh dirt, with no animal interference. I know how it was washed, and where it touched.  I am incredibly proud of myself for being able to grow food, that I have never even seen grown before.  Of course its all a learning process, because I grew up in the ghetto. Although, my mom and grandpa did in fact grow limited veggies. So I do have some exposure.

Spinach recipe

Big fat bowl of fresh spinach leaves.  I am going to say at least 3 lbs. (wash thoroughly)
one jalapeno sliced open, but left whole
lemon juice (half lemon or 2 tbsp)
a good heavy pinch of kosher salt
1 tsp chipotle powder (gives a smokey flavor without using a hamhock)
put everything in a pot, cook over low-med heat for about half an hour. when all the liquid is about gone, add a splash of chicken stock.

This recipe is really great for you
 Low in fat and even lower in cholesterol, spinach is high in niacin and zinc, as well as protein, fiber, vitamins A, C, E and K, thiamin, vitamin B6, folate, calcium, iron, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium, copper, and manganese. (info taken from http://foodfacts.mercola.com/spinach.html )

If you make it this way, its flavorful and low in fat, and calories.  Because we added all the flavor without adding the traditional hamhock or fatback. 

I will try to include more recipes in future posts.  

Just 2 weeks

Just 2 short weeks of including more of my veggies, and eating less processed food has made a huge difference.  I already dropped one pant size. I have a pair of shorts, that I grew out of  months ago.  These shorts sit in my drawer and torture me.  Yesterday, I tried them on and they fit.  They fit me really good, and even a little baggie in the legs. 2 weeks of just changing my food intake, nothing else.  amazing isnt it?