I had some serious tumors on both my ovaries. They were so big and so heavy, that because of the strain from my workouts, it actually twisted my fallopian tube. This was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. Morphin wouldn't touch the pain. I spent 4 days in the hospital, trying to manage the pain. I spent another week getting tests and preparing for my surgery. In the process of all this, my left ovary died completely. During surgery my entire left ovary and tube was removed, and the right side was so over run by the tumors, that they had to take MOST of my right ovary. The doctor said I can expect menopause symptoms almost immediately, but they never came. This was in September.
I will say now, that my husband and I have had a lot of issues with trying to conceive. My oldest daughter (who is 8 now) came as quite a surprise after a miscarriage and years of trying. We starting trying again not long after my daughter was born, to conceive again. Years and years and years went by, another miscarriage, and no baby. So when this surgery happened I gave up. I knew in my heart the quest for another baby was over. I mourned the baby I would never have. I cried month after month for 8 years. I suffered mostly in silence feeling like a failure. Wondering what was wrong with me, why was my body betraying me? Why cant I do what other women have such an easy time doing.
I have no problem saying jealousy overran me, when someone I knew became pregnant. Trying to fake happiness for someone, when inside you feel like your dying of heartbreak. Infertility is a painful thing to live through.
A few weeks before Christmas, I realized I had only had one menstrual cycle since my surgery. I chalked it up to the loss of hormones, the loss of my ovaries, the menopause symptoms I was told to expect. But I just felt unusual. So I took a test, then another, then a few more. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. 5 positives later, I decided to see my doctor. His first words to me "God is good". Having already experienced 2 miscarriages, the first ultrasounds are always so scary for me. Waiting to hear that everything is ok, is so hard. But when the tech turned on the volume and I heard the most wonderful sound, I burst into tears. Holding my husbands hand, and hearing that beautiful fast thumping of the heart beating away. I cant express the feelings I felt at that moment. It was as if I had just witnessed a miracle.
This pregnancy is high risk for a few different reasons. I still worry that it could all go away. So for now, we are just taking it easy. Every day I am making a full effort to be healthy and keep this baby healthy. My life right now consists of me taking care of me, and my family.
If you have taken time to read through this whole post, thank you. I also ask that if you pray, please say a prayer for me and this miracle inside of me. If you don't pray, please have a nice thought for us, or send some positive energy this way.
